6: Disgrace – My Arse

I am so fed up with myself. I wish I could work out where I am going wrong with this whole thing. The week started off so well. By Friday, I had already written the blog in my head – it was going to be called “The Raisin” and was all about how wonderful it was to have stopped eating sugar and how sublimely sweet a couple of raisins in your porridge can taste once you’ve stopped eating other sugar. I was going to wax lyrical about the amazing life lessons I have been taught by this – be satisfied with less, enjoy what you have, excess is awful, blah blah blah.

muesli-Image by moerschy from Pixabay — Image by moerschy from Pixabay

What happened next, I can’t explain.

Fridays are generally a tricky day for me – I have to get my son to an appointment that he doesn’t want to go to, so it takes a lot of effort, patience and a certain amount of stress to make that happen. This Friday was no different, but I managed it and all was looking rosy. Then the phone rang. My mother-in-law was having some health problems and I needed to spend the afternoon with her. No problem. By now it was nearly lunch time and I was really hungry. So when we went through the Macdonald’s drive-thru to get my son his reward lunch, instead of just ordering a black coffee as I usually do, I ordered a veggie burger and chips.

In itself, I don’t see this as much of a problem. The odd fast food meal is perfectly okay in my book. In fact, I was glad I had done it, because it would be a long while before I finally got home and could have something to eat. But why, oh why did I need to buy that bottle of wine on my way home? And the slab of chocolate? And why, oh why did I need to drink and eat them in addition to a generous dinner? Okay, so I was a bit tired, a bit disrupted, and a bit in need of reward and comfort. But really. That was ridiculous.

But it wasn’t a disgrace. And it wasn’t the end of my dreadful weekend.

On Saturday I had to be up early to get down to the cycle track where my son’s club was holding a big fundraiser. I worked there until 2 pm after which I met my husband and daughter and hopped on a train to go into town to watch a comedy act at a festival next to the river. I completely failed to eat breakfast or lunch, so by the time we got there I was ravenous and had a slice of pizza as my first food of the day at 3 pm. And a big glass of wine, because the sun was shining and we were next to the river and it was all so lovely and sociable and blah, blah, excuse, excuse. Then, guess what? They let you take drinks into the auditorium. So, I had another glass. And after the show, we decided to have dinner, and I proceeded to order some really crappy and not very filling and another glass, and then we went home and this happened…

Disgrace.

Also, it turned out that one of the nasty, unhealthy meals I had inhaled during my day of badness had something wrong with it, and I woke with a churning stomach-full of acid at 3 am, and proceeded to throw up for an hour.

Double disgrace.

I just don’t understand myself. I really do want to lose some weight. I am already enjoying the benefits of eating more healthily. Why would I do this to myself? Am I just a pitiable weak-willed moron? What should I do next? I seem to swing from one extreme to another. And the minute I allow myself a bit of smugness at success (as in being pleased with myself for stopping eating sugar) I seem to need to sabotage my efforts. It is so damned frustrating.

I know that if I was reading this blog I would want to give myself a slap and say, “Don’t be so ridiculous. Just stop yourself. How can you say that you really want to be thinner and at the same time not be able to stop yourself putting fattening stuff into your mouth? It’s not rocket science. Are you lying to yourself? Is there a deep, hidden reason that you don’t want to be thin?”

Whoah!!! Just a minute. What exactly am I saying here? I consumed a slab of chocolate, a packet of biscuits and a couple of bottles of wine. So what?? Big bloody deal. I am acting as if I had murdered a small child. I cannot believe I have dived headfirst into the trap whereby my entire sense of self-worth and well-being is based on what I do or do not put into my mouth. Ridiculous. I completely reject this view. The only “bad” thing that has happened is that I am now feeling a bit sluggish and have shocking indigestion. I didn’t even put on any weight.

I have no idea what I am going to take away from all this and no idea what I shall be writing about next week. I hope I lose a bit of weight, but I do NOT want to lose sight of what I believe is really important in life – and that is definitely not the size of my arse.

Stats:

Week six: No weight gain or loss
Total weight loss: Minus 3 kg (6.5 lbs)

5: Busy

I have been a busy bee this week. Far too busy to spare much time obsessing about what I eat and drink. This is excellent because not only has the whole food/drink focus become rather boring, but it is also, I believe, counter-productive.

Instead I have been immersing myself in the gigantic task of clearing out and sorting my daughter’s bedroom. To give you an idea of the extent of the mess in that particular hell-hole, think of one of the worst Marie Kondo houses and then times it by 20. The job has been one of those where things have to get a lot worse before they get better, and I am still a long way off finished. But it will be enormously satisfying once I’m done.

chaos-Image by levelord from Pixabay — Image by levelord from Pixabay

Food-wise I have been focusing on cooking really lovely, healthy food, such as my orzo and roast Mediterranean veg salad with feta, olives and a garlic lemon vinaigrette – hmmm. My love affair with sea bass (pan fried in extra virgin olive oil and a little sea salt) continues unabated, and I have discovered the indescribable joy of pomegranate molasses salad dressing. Why have I not known about this before? It takes salads to a whole new level. And apparently it is really healthy…!

roast med veg — Veggies ready for roasting for orzo salad.

Talking of salads, I actually ordered one when I went out for dinner on the weekend. Granted, it featured a sumptuous array of things like marinated artichokes and aubergine (eggplant) as well as a hefty wodge of melty chevre, but anyone who knows me knows that this is not my usual restaurant order. I noticed that Fat Fella, who had opted for a creamy seafood pasta dish, was eyeing it quite covetously.

So much for not thinking and talking too much about food.

I am being like one of those weight loss TV programmes that drag out the weigh-in-results as long as possible and then have an ad break before the big reveal. Did I or did I not lose weight this week? Is my journey to good health and a leaner body going well or should I just give up on the whole thing?

Insert ad break here….

Stats

Week five: 10 June 2019 – Minus 2 kg
Total weight loss: Minus 3 kg (6.5 lbs)
Image by SilviaP_Design from Pixabay

Hooray!

4: Failure…

Last week, I was wondering if my genius idea about denying myself sugar, seconds, snacks and alcohol was so very clever after all. It felt like the focus was all on restraint, denial and saying “no” to things. By being so negative, I felt I was setting myself up for a fall. I would most likely fail to stick to my resolutions and then just give up on the whole idea. Reflecting on this, I recalled all those parenting manuals I once devoured so avidly. Of course! The focus shouldn’t be on all the things I can’t do or have, but instead should be on all the things I can and should have. Turn that frown upside down/ positive reinforcement/blah blah blah blah.

So, I had another look at that list of cholesterol lowering foods. Almonds, avocadoes, oats, fruit – those sound great. I proceeded to add them into my diet with gusto. Can you see where I am heading with this? Can you understand the title of this blog now? Yes, I confused gusto with guzzle, and this week, I am sad to say that I have put on a bit of weight.

avocado-Image by Rainer Lieverscheidt from Pixabay — Image by Rainer Lieverscheidt from Pixabay

Well, putting on a few pounds is not necessarily a failure, you might say. Remember, your stated intention when embarking on this regime was to improve your health. Aren’t you feeling brighter, more energetic and generally more cheerful? Yes. Yes, I am. But my stated intention was a big (fat) lie. This blog is not entitled “Confessions of a menopausal woman with high cholesterol” is it? No, this blog is really all about trying to get thinner without dieting. I am certainly not about to stop myself from consuming some of my all-time favourite things in order to get fatter. Hell no.

It is no mystery why I have gained weight despite eating more healthily. Firstly, it is to do with quantity. It may seem blindingly obvious, but too much of even the healthiest food will make you fat. I had hoped that the “no seconds” part of my mantra would address the portion control issue, but I am ashamed to say that my first helpings have often been large enough to feed a hungry family of four.

Then, there is the issue of exercise. Fat Fella (my husband) had the week off work last week and, as a result, did the lion’s share of the dog walking, which is my main form of exercise. Truth be told, dog walking does not always entail very energetic exercise in any case. I have to make a conscious decision to walk faster, climb up and down stairs and hills, and so on. Wandering slowly while texting my friends or browsing the internet on my phone doesn’t cut it.

dog walker Image by Prawny from Pixabay — Image by Prawny from Pixabay

There is also the whole emotional side of things. On Friday we had a bit of difficulty with my son, and it left me feeling rather sorry for myself. I have always used food as a comfort. That little voice in my head telling me to give myself a treat because I deserve something nice when things in my life aren’t, is seldom a little voice at all – more of a loud shout.

Finally, there are “bad influences”. I know I can’t blame other people for what I decide to put into my mouth, but there’s no doubt that they can make it more difficult to keep oneself on track. On Saturday, Fat Fella and I had a pub lunch with a couple of friends. I had lovely fish and chips (remember, I “deserved” a treat after a bad Friday), but stuck to fizzy water to drink.

fish-and-chips-Image by Famifranquoi from Pixabay — Image by Famifranquoi from Pixabay

It was a glorious sunny day and we returned to our house and the three of them proceeded to have a wonderful and very merry afternoon, drinking beer in the garden. Much chat and laughter and encouragement to join in. Eventually, I just felt too much of a killjoy and had some wine. Not too much, but enough that when Fat Fella ordered a Thai take away for supper, complete with gorgeous (very oily) vegetable tempura, which I love, and coconut cream-rich green curry, I happily partook and (blush) may even have had seconds.

So, the statistics below shouldn’t come as such a blow to me. But they do. This coming week, I am going to stop pretending that this isn’t about weight loss, and I am going to focus on reducing the amount I eat while increasing the exercise I take. And if that doesn’t work, then I really am stuck. In the end, it will only be a failure if I give up. I so hope I don’t.

Stats

Week four: 3 June 2019 – Plus 1.5kg
Total weight loss: Minus 1kg (2.2lbs)
Image by SilviaP_Design from Pixabay

3: Cheating

I could write a whole book about the morally charged language we use when talking about weight and dieting. When things aren’t going according to plan, dieters routinely talk about having “cheated”, “sinned” or “having been bad” while on days when things are going well they will say they have been “good” and “virtuous”. Is it actually morally wrong to be overweight? And why do we feel so free to condemn, in pretty harsh terms, those who are fat? I think it is because fatness is what I call a “visible vice”. Please don’t tell me that every thin person you meet is a perfectly morally correct human being without a single vice. I simply won’t believe you. But their vices, unlike mine, are not wobbling around on their butt and tummy for all the world to see and judge. True, gluttony may be considered one of the seven deadly sins, but then so are wrath, pride and envy. If you have managed to get through life without doing any of those, well, all I can say is you must be a saint!

My thoughts have turned to the word “cheating” because I suppose that is what I am planning to do this weekend. On Saturday evening, a few of my girlfriends are coming round and I am going to have some wine while we sit outside around the fire chatting. It will be lovely. If this is “cheating”, bring it on I say. My decision to not drink was mine and my decision to drink is mine. I am not entirely sure who I am cheating by changing my mind on this occasion, but there we have it.

bottle-1836261_1920 — Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Of course, you could argue that this is just an elaborate self-justification for being weak-willed and having no self-control. You are probably right. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. In some ways I accept that I lack self-control, and yet in others, I could argue that I am capable of exercising great self-control. Fourteen years ago, after having been a heavy smoker for many years, I put out my last cigarette and I have never had another. I did this as a result of reading Allen Carr’s book on giving up smoking*. It was very useful to me, especially one part, which essentially stated the obvious point that I was entirely in control of what I did and I could just decide to never do something again.

“Oooh, I could never manage that,” say the fatties, the smokers, the drinkers. Well, they could, but they do not choose to. We all manage to not do things by choice. Most of us, for example, do not go around killing people who annoy us, sorely tempted though we may be. We generally don’t even give them a hard smack. Why? Not because we don’t really want to (at least as much as we want that tub of ice cream). No, we choose not to do it. We don’t want to suffer the consequences and the regret arising from these actions. If I succumb to a large burger and fries in a McDonalds drive-thru, the news is unlikely to be splashed across the front pages of tomorrow’s newspapers, whereas if I strangle my supremely annoying teenage son…

Update

I am a bit disappointed in myself. I deliberately wrote the above paragraphs before the weekend. Mostly because I wanted to make it clear that my decision to indulge was a conscious one and not some spur-of-the-moment weakness. Sadly, the initial, planned occasion gave rise to a couple of further unplanned ones. Why is it so difficult to get this food and eating thing right? I really despair. All these decisions to cut and curtail various “bad” or fattening and unhealthy food and drink are like a tight elastic band. When I cut it, just a little, it pings wide open and all my good intentions come spilling out. When I tie it back together again, it is that much shorter and tighter and the desire to cut it and get a bit of relief is that much greater.

I feel a bit miserable about it. Instead of just enjoying some wine on Saturday and that being that, I found that in my relaxed state the need for a giant cookie became an imperative, and the following day the half-drunk bottle in the fridge needed to be finished. Then, as I was being “bad” anyway, I reckoned I might as well eat up the big bag of crisps (chips, to you non-Poms) so they wouldn’t tempt me when I was being “good” again. Just wind me up and off I go – chomp, chomp, chomp.

artificial-background-birthday-1073776 — Photo by rawpixel.com from Pexels

So much for avoiding Sugar, Snacks and Sauce (booze). This bright idea of mine of abstaining from the four esses is starting to feel like the wrong way of going about achieving my ends. But I really am at a loss as to what would work better.

On a brighter note, it was a lovely evening with my friends. Perfect weather, the air heavy with the perfume of roses and woodsmoke, a delicious meal, some fine champagne and great company.

Stats

Week three: 27 May 2019 — Holding steady. No significant weight gain or loss.
Total weight loss: 2.5kg (5.5lbs)
Image by SilviaP_Design from Pixabay

* You can find out more about Allen Carr’s stop-smoking book here: https://www.wikihow.com/Quit-Smoking-by-Using-an-Allen-Carr-Book

2: Delusions

I have this “big” friend who insists that she doesn’t eat that much and that she eats fairly healthy food. At times I have tried to gently explore with her what she actually eats to show her that it is, in fact, quite a lot, and at other times I just let it go by, but I always think to myself: “Who is she kidding? You can’t be that fat without eating too much.” Obviously, I think she is deluded. But what about me? Until very recently I would solemnly tell you that I am fat because I eat too much, but that my basic diet was essentially healthy. Outrageous delusion! A basic diet that includes several bottles of wine and a tub of Haagen Dasz every week is not “essentially healthy” in anyone’s book.

I managed to get away with this smug little delusion because up until now I have generally enjoyed good health. Routine blood tests have always come back showing that my liver and kidney function is fine, I don’t have diabetes, and my cholesterol levels are acceptable. I have a very skinny sister who has high cholesterol levels and I am ashamed to confess that I have often secretly smirked to myself that the big fat sister has the healthier blood. Well, not anymore. Last week, I got a pretty stiff talking to by my doctor as my cholesterol levels are now way too high.

I was a bit surprised by this. Not only because of my “essentially healthy” basic diet, but because a year ago I actually gave up eating meat. Isn’t it sod’s law that my cholesterol level would go up just as I took such a virtuous step? Another sad delusion, of course. It has nothing to do with sod’s or anyone else’s bad luck law, and everything to do with the fact that I basically swapped lean meat for as much cheese, butter and cream as I could stuff into my fat little mouth. Not to mention the carte blanche I gave myself to eat lots and lots of eggs and to fry and roast vegetables to make them more tasty and thus make up for the fact that I was missing out on meat.

pizza-3525673_1920 — Image by gaurav tiwari from Pixabay

Fortunately for me, when discussing this situation with my husband, he said something that has almost guaranteed that I will successfully take action on this. I was explaining that I had asked the doctor to give me three months to try and bring down my cholesterol levels by improving my diet instead of starting on medication. My husband, rather knowingly said, “I bet she (the doctor) thinks that hardly anyone manages to lower cholesterol by changing their lifestyle and she is just biding her time before putting you on medication and thus solving the problem quite easily.” I am a very curmudgeonly person and telling me I can’t do something is a brilliant way of getting me to do it. Now I am feeling really inspired and absolutely determined to prove him and the doctor wrong.

I’ve googled “cholesterol lowering foods” and have started to add these into my diet. In fact, for once my “essentially healthy” diet delusion is a reality as I am reducing dairy and salt, in addition to foregoing the Four Esses — sugar, snacks, seconds and sauce (aka booze).

fruit-2109043_1920 — Image by silviarita from Pixabay

Of course, the danger is that delusion’s best friend “cheating” is also lurking around. I have caught myself wondering if I could maybe have the blood test before I go on holiday (it is scheduled for right afterwards) because, as I mentioned in my previous blog I fully intend to have a wonderfully indulgent time on holiday.

I wonder how I am going to get myself back on track after that holiday? Past experience shows that I will go a bit mad, especially if I have managed to lose a bit of weight. Before I know it, I will be back to my bad old ways. I am putting an enormous amount of faith in this blog to keep me on the straight and narrow. I am secretly very keen on impressing other people and not disappointing them, so if I achieve any sort of audience for this blog, I’ll be able to use it to put the necessary pressure on myself to exceed expectations. Who knows? It might actually work. So far, (granted 2 weeks is not very far at all), the stats are encouraging. Here they are:

Stats

Week two: 20 May 2019 – minus 1.5kg
Total weight loss: 2.5kg (5.5lbs)
Image by SilviaP_Design from Pixabay

1: Fat!

lake-constance-1937138_1920 — Image by photosforyou from Pixabay

So, here’s the thing. I’m fat. What does that mean exactly?

It’s a weird concept because we all have such screwed up ideas about fatness, health, attractiveness, thinness, intelligence, laziness, and how all these things fit together.

If you were foolhardy enough to comment on my weight, I’ve got a whole range of defensive responses to choose from. Which one I’d go for would depend on who you are and how I am feeling at the time. So, I might say: “How dare you presume I’d rather be thin?”, “I am fat because I eat too much, so what?”, “I am fit and well and get plenty of exercise, what’s your problem?”, “ I love food and intend to enjoy it until I drop dead” (from a heart attack, probably), or “I love being big, it makes me feel powerful.”

The thing is, while I truly believe in all of the above statements, none of them are true. In my heart of hearts, I hate being fat. I look at adverts for fabulous clothes and I dream about being thin enough to look good in them. I see people jogging past with lovely muscly legs and flat tummies and I really envy them. Some days every joint in my body aches from the excess weight I have to carry around with me.

You haven’t got a hope in hell of getting me to admit to any of these truths in person, though. They are my deep, dark secret. They are a secret because if I admit to thinking these things, how on earth can I possibly explain why I am not thin? I am not stupid after all. I know what and how much I should eat in order to be thin. But I don’t do that. While I have some ideas as to why not, the truth is I am bewildered by the silliness of it as much as anyone.

I have looked at very fat people on TV and wondered to myself, why don’t they just stop eating so much? The cheek of me. Surely I, if anyone, knows that it’s not quite as simple as that.

If I sense someone is critical about me because of my eating habits (my mother-in-law springs to mind) I often want to ask her if she always does exactly what she thinks she should do or does she also make mistakes or do things she wishes she hadn’t? Surely everyone has some aspect of themselves that they’d like to correct, but somehow can’t? Or am I deluding myself? Do most people trot around feeling as if they are in complete control and is it just us fatties and addicts who seem to be at the mercy of our desires?

The other thing about fatness, is the disconnect I feel from my body. It is as if the big blob that I glimpse in the mirror from time to time, has nothing to do with the essential “me”. Maybe that’s why I can’t fix it, because in a way it’s not even real? I am sure a psychotherapist would have a field day exploring my disassociation and splitting (and if you have any thoughts on this, please comment below, it will save me a fortune in analysis).

Despite all this, I am determined to never go on diet again. I have been dieting on and off since I was 14, and I firmly believe that each time I lose some weight, I not only put it back on again, but that each time I add an extra 20%. This is how I have ended up being the lard arse I am today.

Looking back at photos of myself when I was young, I sadly note that of course I wasn’t actually fat. I can’t believe I listened to the bitchy girls who told me I was, and wasted all that lovely luscious youthfulness in worrying about the size of my tummy. Why couldn’t I have listened instead to that bloke who told me I had gorgeous big tits and legs that went on for miles? Because I am an idiot, that’s why. A fairly normal human idiot, but an idiot nonetheless.

My absolute biggest fear now is that in 10 years’ time I will look back at photos of myself today and think, well that wasn’t really fat, now I’m really fat. (Don’t forget to check back in a decade’s time. Although the truth is, if I get much fatter, the chances of my still being alive in 10 years’ time are the only slim thing around.)

So, in a last ditch attempt to stave off what I fear may be inevitable, I have recently taken myself in hand and am attempting my own version of a non-diet, which hopefully is going to have the result of at least a slight moderation of my excess weight. I have managed one and a bit weeks of this so far, and I am feeling good. The difficulty will be in keeping going.

I read an article^* recently about Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) that said that a feature of people with the condition is that they are not motivated by any of the things that most “normal” people are – namely importance, rewards or consequences. Instead, they can only be switched on by “a momentary sense of interest, competition, novelty, or urgency created by a do-or-die deadline.”I am not, as far as I am aware, someone with ADD, but that statement is certainly true of me. At the moment, I am interested in what I am trying to do, and it is novel, but I do worry about sticking to the plan. I hope that the pressure of having to write this blog regularly, will help.

^*Here’s a link to the article: https://www.additudemag.com/symptoms-of-add-hyperarousal-rejection-sensitivity/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=diagnosis&fbclid=IwAR1nF197DwlEAvs6r8vDtwrwKvxbkyf-Zdal5Ek_xB3a5l_oLxfhEWiMHDE)

So, what is this plan? I call it:

The Four Esses

For 12 weeks, this is going to be my mantra:

No Sugar,
No Snacks,
No Seconds,
No Sauce (ie booze)

Food pic

Wish me luck, and watch this space.

Stats

Start date: 6 May 2019
Week one: 13 May – minus 1 kg
Image by SilviaP_Design from Pixabay